


butterfly

by hitoshi (dami_an)



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, One Shot, References to Depression, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 04:57:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20576849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dami_an/pseuds/hitoshi
Summary: He sits on the railing, watching the night view.A black butterfly flits by in front of him. The brief distraction brings his gaze far down to a beautiful man—





	butterfly

**Author's Note:**

> **Trigger Warning:** This chapter contains the mention of suicide. Please read with caution and seek help if triggered.
> 
> the author would like to encourage all readers to be safe, and discourage any individual from attempting to follow any suicidal references. remember, it is always your right to seek help from a trusted individual or medical professional in any sort of traumatic or painful situation. do not ever tell yourself that what you have experience is not worthy of being reported or treated.
> 
> you are never alone.
> 
> signed by,  
a clinically diagnosed depressed patient

He sits on the railing, watching the night view.

A black butterfly flits by in front of him. The brief distraction brings his gaze far down to a beautiful man—

  
  


...

  
  


Their first meeting is a simple one. Cliche, even. Just harmless flirting over beers on the counter.

Kim Jinwoo is beautiful. No, not even 'beautiful' is good enough to describe his beauty. Porcelain skin, masculine voice, silky hair, and his eyes—Kim Jinwoo's eyes absorb all the neon colours into the darkness.

The darkness that Seunghoon feels familiar with, even if he doesn't want to.

He returns Kim Jinwoo's handshake and says, "Seunghoon. Nice to meet you."

There's no glitter in Kim Jinwoo's beautiful eyes when he mirrors Seunghoon's smile. Seunghoon understands that much.

  
  


...

  
  


Head tilting to the side, Jinu watches him move his body to the beat. He takes a swig of his beer and smiles from the bench, saying, "Mesmerizing."

Seunghoon preens. But only for a second. Just for a second because—

Because he wants to pull Jinu into his world. Wants Jinu to feel the beats that rock his world. Wants to see Jinu's body moving to the rhythm.

So he extends his arm to Jinu. "Would you like to dance with me?"

"Who, me?"

"Yep."

Jinu snorts out a laugh. "You know I can't dance well."

"Bullshit." Seunghoon laughs and pulls Jinu to his feet. He ignores a playful 'hey' from Jinu then twirls him around, with a childish smile.

Their cold night is spent dancing in the old basketball court, hands sticky from Jinu's splashing beer, feet bruised and sore as they step on each other since neither of them can find the right rhythm.

  
  


...

  
  


Seunghoon catches a glimpse of swirling darkness in Jinu's smiling eyes when Jinu talks about his office.

He smiles back despite the whispering voice.

  
  


...

  
  


His roommate, Seungyoon, yanks the curtain open. The brightness hits Seunghoon square in the face. He hides under the blanket.

"Hyung, wake up. You told me you got the afternoon shift today," Seungyoon reminds him.

Seunghoon staunchly stays under the blanket.

"Hyung."

A hand touches his shoulder. Seungyoon's hand. Just a simple contact of a palm on a clothed shoulder—an innocent touch.

But.

It feels like a boulder, threatening to push him down, push him into the bed, into the floor and hold him down there, buried in concrete and steel till he can't move, can't scream, can't breathe—

Can't breathe.

"Hyung?"

Seunghoon snaps his eyes open. Through the blanket, he can see Seungyoon's blurry face. Can't read the expression but can hear the worry in his voice.

"I'm okay," and Seunghoon rolls out of bed, with a broad smile. He asks, "How's your research going on? I heard you're studying a rare butterfly species," to make conversation then heads for the bathroom to wash up.

He can even feel Seungyoon's stare boring into the back of his head through the closed door.

  
  


...

  
  


Jinu's smile lights up this dark hole in his chest.

So, so beautiful.

  
  


...

  
  


His dancing crew suggests a meet-up at the club. Jinu agrees to come with him to see them.

Music booms in the air. Beers are passed around. Laughter and hubbubs of conversation intermingle together as one. Seunghoon watches the performance from the sideline, with an arm around Jinu's shoulder.

His crew calls his name on the dancefloor. Seunghoon glances once at Jinu.

"Go on," Jinu smiles around the beer.

Biting his lip, Seunghoon hops to his feet, eager to join his crew. But before he can even take a step forward, Jinu yanks him back down for a long, searing kiss.

Tastes like beer.

Jinu pulls away first. Seunghoon stares, stunned, and Jinu's lips curl into a smile, "A good-luck kiss."

Seunghoon loses his breath. Jinu pushes him towards the cheering audience.

  
  


...

  
  


His crew wins the battle that night. Jinu congratulates him with kisses and wanton moans between the sheets.

His moans are as lovely as the person himself, Seunghoon discovers while he fucks those sounds out of Jinu. His messy hair, his sweaty body, even his needy look—sex only makes Jinu more beautiful.

Seunghoon kisses him, wet and desperate.

No light reflected in Jinu's half-lidded eyes. Seunghoon ignores that and embraces him tighter.

  
  


...

  
  


Jinu smokes. Seunghoon is a social smoker. So he accepts the cigarette Jinu was smoking without batting an eyelash.

"I don't understand what the fuck was on their mind," Jinu rants angrily. "I fucking get it—they're seniors, but that's too much, don't you think? They can't do this to me—no right to—"

Seunghoon takes a long drag, eyes on the moving vehicles on the highway under Seoullo 7017. Seoul is breathtaking at night, glittering with soft lights even if they're mostly artificial.

Nothing can compare Jinu's beauty, though. The contour of his face, soft around the edges, almost effeminate but never losing its masculinity; a perfect juxtaposition.

The smoke from Jinu's cigarette he's inhaling burns his chest.

  
  


...

  
  


"I love you," Jinu says one cold night, his warm breath puffing in the open air, eyes glassy. His hands are reaching out to him, and Seunghoon lets Jinu circle his arms around his body, face tucked in the collarbone. 

Seunghoon stares ahead at the car zooming by, briefly blinded by its headlights, and wraps his arms around Jinu's cold body.

"I love you too," falls easily from his lips.

  
  


...

  
  


One evening, Seunghoon is ambushed by his past in the subway while he's heading for home after work. 

His ex-girlfriend of 5 years, Eun Kyung.

Eun Kyung seems uncomfortable to see him. Seunghoon understands why, but the train is thronged with people, so no place to hide. They're chained to their own spots, shoulder brushing shoulder, eyes ahead at the window as they stand next to each other, trapped in this awkward bubble.

Surprisingly, Eun Kyung breaks the unbearable silence. "Uhm, how—how are you doing, oppa?"

"Fine. You? Just got back from work?"

"Yes."

"You work here? Samgakji?"

"No. In Anguk. I had a meeting with a client today."

"Aah," Seunghoon makes an understanding sound. He glances over her. Feels self-conscious of the worn-out store uniform he's wearing underneath the windbreaker compared to her office suit. Then pulls a smile. "Congratulations."

Eun Kyung blinks. "...for?"

"That ring. Looks good on you. He loves to spoil you, huh?"

Red rushes to her face. She looks away. "Well, this... thank you."

"When?"

"Next year. In the spring."

"I imagine you'd look perfect in a white dress."

"Thank you. How about you? Are you seeing anyone right now?"

Jinu comes to his mind. To the reflection on the window in front of him, overlapping the city view. He smiles, "Yeah."

"I'm happy for you," she says. A beat of silence, then, "I know we shouldn't reminisce about the past, but," she pauses. Takes a deep breath. "Why did you leave? You never told me—we were happy—well, I thought we were happy."

Seunghoon finds himself looking down at his shoes. Compared to her shiny leather shoes, his Converse shoes look so old. Worn out. Burst at the seams.

"Was it because of someone else?" she pushes.

"No."

"Was it because of me—"

"No," Seunghoon quickly denies. Quicky denies because it was never because of Eun Kyung. Because it was never her fault.

It was because of his—

The speaker announces the next station. Seunghoon gets off even though it's not his stop.

  
  


...

  
  


The joke brings another round of laughter out of Seunghoon that he almost spills his beer. He carelessly wipes his mouth with his front shirt.

Reeks of alcohol. Urgh.

His friend asks him if he wants to join another battle. Seunghoon agrees, without a thought, driven by alcohol and excitement. Jinu is quiet nursing his beer next to him.

EDM blasts from the speakers. His cue to go. Seunghoon gets up, only to be pulled down by Jinu and kissed hard. His fingers, cold from the bottle, trail up Seunghoon's heated spine. Seunghoon moans into Jinu's kiss.

"Win for me, and you shall be rewarded handsomely," Jinu breathes against his swollen lips. Sensually. Heatedly. Jinu's eyes are as dark as the night sky. It's like watching the universe. 

Seunghoon's breath stutters. 

"Sir, yes, sir."

"Good boy. Go get them." Jinu releases him.

Seunghoon hops to his feet, rolling his shoulders to relax the stiff muscles. Just as he turns around, Jinu slaps his ass. Seunghoon glances over his shoulder, with a brow raised. Jinu pulls an innocent smile.

"Naughty," he says and goes.

  
  


...

  
  


Behind the closed door, under the blanket, Jinu replies each of his kisses with a heartfelt confession.

I love you. I love you. I love you. 

That's all he listens that night.

  
  


...

  
  


Seungyoon comes home early one night when Seunghoon has just finished setting the table. 

"Oh. Hey, hyung. I didn't know you're home," Seungyoon greets at the front door, surprised at first then turns sheepish. Like he's done something illegal. Like—

Seungyoon opens the door wider and—oh.

A man behind Seungyoon ducks in, saying sheepishly, "Sorry for the intrusion."

"Oh, wow," Seunghoon says.

"Uhm," Seungyoon begins, unsurely, tugging at his bag strap, "This is, uh, Mino. A friend from university. Hyung, Mino. Mino, Seunghoon-hyung."

Seunghoon runs his gaze down all over the guest. Good-looking, good sense of fashion street, with some hints of tattoos peeking around the collarbone. He whistles impressed.

"Friend, huh?" Seunghoon wiggles his brow. "Have you two eaten? I made dinner. Well, if you're okay with a simple kimchi stew, that is. Nothing extravagant, sorry to disappoint."

"Dinner!" Seungyoon cheerfully rushes to the dining table. "How about you, hyung? We can have dinner together."

Seunghoon makes his way to the door, swiping up a windbreaker draped over the chair. "I have eaten. Please enjoy the dinner and leave some negative feedback so I can have a reason to call you a dick and convince Yoon to dump you," he winks at Seungyoon's friend then sprints out.

The man laughs. Seungyoon chides, "Hyung!"

"Don't forget condom!!!" Seunghoon shouts a little too loud over the closed-door just to tease Seungyoon.

"HYUNG!!!"

  
  


...

  
  


When Jinu talks, people often misunderstand him. Namely, his colleagues. His seniors. His bosses. Even his own clients. 

When Jinu talks, he has his own language. Still Korean, yes, but the tone, the innuendo, the grammar—never in complete sentences. As if he waits for someone to finish his sentences.

Seunghoon understands them. Understands his language. Understands how Jinu's logic works.

"Why should I care? He made the mess, so he should fix it himself. It doesn't matter if—" Jinu blinks as though something is interrupting his thought, then, "—he should just, yeah, he should—"

Jinu stops there. Leaves his story hanging. Like he's waiting for someone to finish the story for him. To draw the conclusion for him. To justify the story for him.

Seunghoon picks up on that. Yes, he does, but he doesn't do it. Finish the story for Jinu.

He can't.

  
  


...

  
  


A text.

_ i love you. _

The reply.

_ i love you too _

  
  


...

  
  


Jinu suddenly ghosts him for the whole week. No texts, no phone calls, nothing. Seunghoon is beside himself with worry, obsessively checking his phone, going to Jinu's single apartment every morning and night to see if he gets to catch Jinu's blurry movement.

Nothing.

Then one evening, a text from Jinu.

_ hospital. _

Panic surges down Seunghoon's spine. He jumps over the cashier counter, yelling at his junior in the back, "Hospital. Emergency!" and sprints out of the store.

  
  


...

  
  


Bawling his eyes out, Jinu collapses in Seunghoon's arms at the entrance door of the hospital. A chant of broken apologies streams from Jinu's pale lips while he shakes in Seunghoon's embrace. As if he's done a crime.

As if the suicide attempt is a crime.

It's not—by Korean law. Doesn't make it right, though.

"It's okay. You did nothing wrong."

"—I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry—"

Seunghoon hugs Jinu tighter, with a silent promise. Supports most of their combined weights. And catches their reflections in the glass door then hums a soothing song.

Sees the white bandage around Jinu's left wrist. Sees the dullness in Jinu's eyes. Seunghoon looks away.

  
  


...

  
  


Butterflies are beautiful. Mesmerizing. 

But their beauty is meant to be admired from afar. Never meant to be touched. They are fragile creatures. Crushed easily. And their frail wings are coated in poisonous dust.

Not enough to kill, but enough to repel weak predators. Enough to leave a blackish print.

Print—

Reminds Seunghoon of Jinu.

  
  


...

  
  


He stays at Jinu's place for the whole week.

Recovery isn't easy. Physical injuries might take days, some years, but mental illness—no ways of telling. But Seunghoon knows this. Accepts this fact. Knows the drill by heart, so he stays.

"How can you be so patient—" Jinu grabs Seunghoon's hand from getting the meds on the bedside table. Jinu holds his hand tightly. "You don't have to—no need to—"

Seunghoon looks Jinu in the eyes. "Do you want me to leave?"

Jinu's face twists into despair. His fingers dig into Seunghoon's skin. "No—no, no, please—don't—"

"Then—" Seunghoon presses a kiss on Jinu's crown. He slips the pills into Jinu's palm. "Please take these pills. For me? Then we'll go for a walk."

"Where?" Jinu's voice is small when he asks this. Broken around the edges.

Seunghoon smiles. "Anywhere we want."

  
  


...

  
  


They waltz together along the Han River like a couple of fools. Like they're drunk, even if they are not. 

Jinu's laughter isn't the loudest that night, but it's there. Faint, a little hollow, but it's definitely there. Jinu's smile isn't the brightest that night, but it's there. Just a hint of it, a little curl, but it's definitely there.

Jinu's eyes aren't the blackest that night, but it's there.

It is definitely there.

  
  


...

  
  


Now Seunghoon has acquainted with the swirling darkness inside Jinu, it craves to be acknowledged from time to time.

"—can't—"

Seunghoon holds.

"—no—"

Seunghoon comforts.

"—don't—"

Seunghoon kisses.

"—sorry—"

Seunghoon forgives.

"Thank you."

Seunghoon smiles.

Give and take, a simple formula to live by.

  
  


...

  
  


"Hey, welcome home," Seungyoon greets him from the kitchen when Seunghoon returns home from work. "I'm making ramyeon. You want?"

"Nah, thanks. I'm gonna hibernate a bit." Throwing his windbreaker to the nearest chair, Seunghoon waves at Mino who's sitting at the dining table. "Yo, Yoon's uni friend. Don't forget condom, okay? Play safe."

Mino waves back, with an amused smile, while Seungyoon reprimands, "Hyung, stop it!!!" as Seunghoon closes his bedroom door.

He collapses onto the bed despite his empty stomach.

  
  


...

  
  


There's a dancing tournament in Busan. Sponsored by a renowned company and brand. Huge prizes. A lot of exposure. Guaranteed popularity. A great opportunity for his dancing crew. They ask him if he's joining them.

Seunghoon hums around his beer, bobbing his head to the slow music in the pub. Thinks of his life. Thinks of his underpaid job. Thinks of his ambition.

Thinks of Jinu.

A smile stretches across his lips, shiny from beer. 

  
  


...

  
  


"I love you," Seunghoon tells Jinu, kissing his palm. 

Jinu blinks. Invites him into the apartment. Then kisses him softly like he is a fragile China doll.

"I love you too," Jinu says back.

That night, Seunghoon lets Jinu fuck him. Lets Jinu take control of him. Lets Jinu decide if he's allowed to come. If he deserves to come. If he's worthy enough to come—

A tear slips down his cheek. Seunghoon chalks it up to the overwhelming pleasure. To the intense come that Jinu forces out of him.

Not to the tournament that he chose to let go of, not to the chain that ties him to this rotten life, not to his cowardice—

All Seunghoon sees that night is Jinu's darkness.

  
  


...

  
  


One day, as Seunghoon walks Jinu to the office, Jinu asks him, "How do you it?"

Another incomplete sentence. Seunghoon stares ahead at the passers-by, hands in his pockets. He has the faintest feeling what is it about, but Seunghoon chooses not to finish that sentence. So he asks, "Do what?"

"Thi—this, being—uhm, being yourself. Strong. Unwavering. How?"

Seunghoon shrugs. "Am I, though?"

"You what?" Jinu blinks.

"Time," Seunghoon distracts him with his wristwatch. "You better clock in now, or you'll be late."

"Ah, right—" 

And Seunghoon watches as Jinu leaves.

  
  


...

  
  


A black butterfly flutters past in front of him. Seunghoon blinks, surprised.

It's gone.

  
  


...

  
  


His crew never forgets about him. Seunghoon knows this. The bond they forged since high school won't let them forget about him. They imprinted on each other, lasting forever as they promised back then.

So they keep him updated about the tournament. They got into semi-finals. Something warm spills in Seunghoon's tight chest.

_ —look me in the eye, tell me what you see _

_ perfect paradise, tearing at the seams— _

Seunghoon celebrates it with a slow dance on the old basketball court, witnessed only by the clouds and night skies.

  
  


...

  
  


Jinu sinks into the darkness again. Seunghoon dives into it to save his loved one.

Not an easy task. Hurtful words, pointed accusations, endless apologies, insecure remarks—Seunghoon listens to them all despite himself.

Despite the whispering voices.

Despite—

"I love you," Jinu confesses into Seunghoon's collarbone. Rough with emotions. Bruised from the mental assaults.

His breath tickles Seunghoon. Raises goosebumps on the skin. He holds Jinu tight and mutters, "I love you too," in Jinu's hair.

  
  


...

  
  


Seunghoon finds a preserved black butterfly in a glass display on Seungyoon's table. Unmoving. Immobilized.

Immortalized after its death.

He doesn't understand how a dead creature can retain its beauty like that. The edges of its wings are tinged blue; a perfect gradient of black and light blue. Seunghoon is tempted to touch it, only to be blocked by the glass.

"Limenitis arthemis," Seungyoon interjects from behind. Then smiles.

Seunghoon straightens his spine immediately. Caught red-handed. And looks away.

An airy laugh escapes Seungyoon. He asks, "Interested?"

"It's, uhm, beautiful. What was the name again—limen, linen what?"

"Limenitis arthemis. Or you can just call it white admiral."

"Cool name. Even cooler than my own name, geez," Seunghoon pouts. Then he puts down the laundry basket he's been holding. "Right, I'm here to return your boxers. Can you change your boxers—I mean, people stared at me when I took them out of the laundry. Like, uhm, tails? Awkward~~~"

Seungyoon is as red as a tomato. "Wha—HYUNG!!!"

  
  


...

  
  


On their first anniversary, Jinu spoils him with expensive dinner. The kind that requires him to follow the dress code. Seunghoon can't afford a proper suit, so he borrows a blazer from Seungyoon then lets Mino work his magic on him to complete his look.

It earns him an impressed whistle and a hungry kiss from Jinu. Seunghoon blooms with pride.

Amazing steak. Wonderful wine. Lovely music. The perfect atmosphere. It's a great night even though he feels out of his own elements. Foreign.

"I love you," Jinu whispers while they dance to a slow song in Jinu's bedroom. His eyes are glittering in the dark, glowed by the moonlight from outside.

"I love you too." Seunghoon kisses him.

All he sees is darkness.

  
  


...

  
  


Seunghoon sees a black butterfly flying behind his eyelids.

He doesn't reach his arm out.

  
  


...

  
  


His crew video calls him from Busan. Their faces are all flushed and teary, happy to earn third place in the tournament. They don't get the trophy, but they receive recognition from the world. It is an achievement for them. A dream come true.

"—fuck, Seunghoon, I'm satisfied with this—third place is awesome, but if you were here—"

Seunghoon warns him. "No, no, we don't play with 'ifs.' You won third place, be grateful, dipshit."

A sniffle. "Yeah—yeah, you're right—but the spot, you still have a spot in our crew, so just come whenever you can—just—we all missed you, your energy—"

"Party first, emo talk later," Seunghoon tells him.

"Yeah, always party first, you social butterfly bastard." A grin. Then, "Yah, you bastards, you finished all the bubbles without me, what the fuck, man, TRAITOR—"

The end of the video call. Seunghoon shakes his head, amused, smiling around his beer.

  
  


...

  
  


His junior at his workplace resigns after getting an offer letter from Seoul University. Seunghoon wishes him good luck, with a pat on the back and homemade kimchi.

  
  


...

  
  


Contrast to his soft look, Jinu kisses like a beast. Long, dominating, determined to leave marks on him. Marks on his soul.

Each kiss takes Seunghoon's breath away. So much so that darkness encroaches the edge of his vision. 

He holds onto Jinu's arm like a lifeline.

  
  


...

  
  


On his way to the front door, Seunghoon walks in on Seungyoon and Mino necking on the couch. He raises a brow at Mino's wandering hand on the front of Seungyoon's pants. 

"Wow. Free show, thanks."

Startled, Seungyoon pushes Mino away, his red cheeks matching his swollen lips. He struggles to make his look decent again. "Hyu—hyung, I didn't realize."

Seunghoon points a gun finger at Mino, with a suggestive smirk. "Condoms in the drawer. M, L, lubricated or barbed—your pick."

Mino bursts out laughing. Seungyoon screams, "HYUNGGGGGGGG!!!!" at the top of his lungs. Seunghoon runs away to the hallway.

Instead of the elevator, Seunghoon takes the stairs. The apartment is quite old, hence the affordable rent, so the staircase is quite musky, with a hint of lingering cigarette.

Seunghoon takes his sweet time to get to his destination, with a hum between his lips. One step at a time. No need to rush. No urgency. No need to—

A text from Jinu.  _ dinner at the usual place? _

Seunghoon replies back,  _ cool _

_ i love you. _

_ i love you too _

The door creaks loudly when he kicks it open. A sign of the passing time. Seunghoon looks up from the rusty hinges.

Ahead of him is an amazing view of buildings. A smile blossoms unbidden on his face. The wind is stronger up here, so Seunghoon wraps his arms around himself for some warmth.

One step at a time, he walks towards the edge. The black railing is the only safety line Seunghoon has from falling down. Seunghoon cranes his neck to look down. 

Everything seems so tiny. People, cars, riders. Moving like ants. Marching to their designated destination. Lost in their own world.

Seunghoon sighs.

He climbs up the railing. It creaks noisily. That stops Seunghoon momentarily, sharp eyes on the joint of the railing, wary, before its stability assures him of the safety.

Then sits on the railing.

Seunghoon takes in the beautiful view. The sky is murky today. Clouds are looming over the city. Some rays of sunlight bursts through the thick clouds. Like hope.

Like—

A black butterfly flits by in front of him. Seunghoon reaches out to it and

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> inspired by imagine dragon's bad liar
> 
> beta'ed by [Brawness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brawness)


End file.
